Warning: In case you somehow fail to see it, this is a sarcastic post.
I've had my share of bad worship sessions - some led by myself and some by others. From all these experiences, here are 10 excellent and best practices that'll help you to simply blow the audience away:
1. Arrive late on stage. Take your place after gesticulating wildly to the team and the sound guy, plug in your instrument as loudly as possible. Basic goal is to make enough noises to let everyone (especially the congregation) know you're late. Did I tell you the anointing comes only with the person coming on stage last?
2. Dress like a rock/movie star. Wear Tees that say 'Beer is better than women!' or 'I want your money' or 'I sold my soul to rock music' or...u get what I mean, right? Pictures of skulls + cross bones will have added effect. Girls, please dress provocatively ok, more skin show will really open the eyes of the congregation's heart.
3. Don't set sound...in fact tell the sound guy to shut up and just worship. Make sure there's lots of feedback from the speakers to set the church on fire for the Lord. God enjoys cacophony you see.
4. Guitarists and Violinists, don't tune your instruments...God loves to create a new sound out of his worship musicians, right?
5. Don't play correct chords, 'cos that might help the singers to sing correctly (we can't allow that to happen, can we?). In fact every musician must play a different wrong chord at all times to create a more prayerful environment for your church. Another tip: Combine this with a killer guitar solo or overplay your instrument throughout the song in wrong scales to glorify the Lord most effectively.
6. Sing off-key at a pitch that's high enough to ensure no one else can sing with you. Only then the congregation can stand in silence, be still and know the Lord. Another tip for greater effect: Fill your set-list with only new songs.
7. Make wild head banging movements and keep gesturing loudly to the team all the time, else the congregation might concentrate on the worship and not pay attention to you.
8. Forget song lyrics and stare nervously at everyone during the song. Then the worship will really come alive.
9. Call out for the chorus and sing the bridge instead or vice versa. So you can successfully confuse the guy managing the lyric slides and ensure the lyrics on the screen do not coordinate with what you are singing. We don't want the congregation to sing do we?
10. Make rich, profound and unique worship leader prayers like 'uhhh, we just want to praise you God... uhhh, we just want to thank you God... uhhh, you are my Lord O God... uhhh' etc. for total edification of your church.
Anything I missed?
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5 comments:
Great job you are doing here bro. There's a lot of humor in this post, but it still communicates the intended message. So much of food for thinking...
Sadly I have seen worship leaders making the first and second mistakes very much... I am a nowise about sound systems and music so I can't tell much about the rest.
However I can add a couple of things to this list.
1. Failure to coordinate with the guy managing the lyrics slides in advance: I was used to manage the lyrics slides during services for a particular place and some of the worship leaders were used to sing totally new songs without providing me with the lyrics first. Worship leader goes on and everyone in the congregation looks back and stares at me...
2. Long haired (males of-course) worship leaders
3. Hair tinted with bright red or similar color. The worship leader looks like a traffic lights post standing on the stage.
4. Some female worship leaders dress to cover the skin, but the out fit is so stretching and tight (like jeans) the curves of their bodies stand out.
Ha ha ha, u made some great points too!
There's church in my neighborhood who has a rule for believers and specially for female worship leaders. It's called L.L.C (Long - Loose - Covered)
LLC - I'm noting down this one ;)
There's church in my neighborhood who has a rule for believers and specially for female worship leaders. It's called L.L.C (Long - Loose - Covered)
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